Dating is difficult nowadays. It seems that everyone has a different idea of what a “date” is or should be. And in doing the research for this article it seems that Merriam Webster’s Collegiate® Dictionary, Tenth Edition, Copyright 2003 had the same difficulty. If those that define the word have trouble, it is no wonder that we have trouble. Zeroing in on the definitions I am looking for in regards to this article:
²date: 4a: an appointment to meet at a specified time; esp: a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character
²date: 4b: a person with whom one has a usu. romantic date
Even within the definitions quoted above, there appears to be some different ideas as to what “romantic” means. Merriam Webster’s Collegiate® Dictionary, Tenth Edition, Copyright 1996 also has difficulty narrowing down what “romantic” means with 2 entries and the the first having 6 definitions, and many of those have sub-definitions. “Romance” is referred to within that definition and it has two entries as well. While Webster’s New WorldTM Thesaurus, Third Edition, Copyright 2003, narrows it down some, but not much. My point is, without a clear definition, that specifically defines what “dating”, “romantic” or even “romance” means, it is left to each individual’s interpretation. This, I believe, is what makes “dating” problematic in the first place.
No wonder we are confused. From my own experience and observations, guys tend to think of all of it one way and women another. Even within the sexes there are differences. Most of us are “coached” by our parents when we are teens, with rules that we are suppose to follow. Those rules are usually based on how the parent(s) were raised, combined with their own fears and experiences. They know what they did at that age and that they do not want you to do it. Only a few actually obeyed their parents rules. I admit, for the most part, I did not, though I did, at first.
For me, the rules were no “dating” until I was 16, dating in groups, and no boyfriends until I had dated a few guys first. I bypassed the waiting until I was 16, the first week of school. And by the third week I realized dating more than one was not for me. From then on, I had a different boyfriend every week for the first semester of the ninth grade (but not by choice). While we didn’t go out in groups, we did go to “group events”. The High School Football games, then the school dances afterward. The High School Basketball games, and Wrestling Matches. Then I noticed something was dreadfully wrong.
The different guy every week was because I refused to “put out”. As some teenage boys will do, the guys lied and said I did. That caused me to have a reputation for “putting out”. (This is probably an archaic term nowadays, but the meaning should still be clear). School had started in early September 1972, I turned 14 in early November of that year. It was a full year and three months later when I lost my virginity, and by then I had stopped dating the guys at school for a while. I thought getting dates in the ninth grade was really easy, but once I realized WHY I had such an easy time, I knew I had to shift the dating game around.
I was determined to stay a virgin, until I met the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I may have been very smart and stupid, at the same time, when I was 13 and 14 years of age, but I had enough sense to say no and let the boy go. To shift things around, I stopped letting the boys pick me and picked them, and no blind dates. It was a little difficult, but with help from a really awesome friend in my English 1 class, I learned. Being a tomboy, I really am not that into my appearance, but I learned how to use it to my advantage. Mostly, all I had to do was be in the right place at the right time. If I was interested in a guy that did not notice me, I got him to notice me by being interested in what he was in to. This later proved to be a good thing for me. I can fix just about anything on an older model car, all by myself and I can drive a manual transmission. There were other problems, as I was more attracted to one boy in particular, but me being white was an issue for his father, and him being Hispanic caused my mother to add a new rule to the “Dating Rules” that I did not follow unless the mood struck me.
In my twenties, getting dates was a little harder, but still not that hard for me. I did things I liked to do and the guys noticed me. Rollerskating, dancing at the clubs (they were still meat markets back then, but just not to the extent that they are now), a church function. The problem was I was either too picky or not picky enough. Mostly the latter not the former. In my thirties, I just picked the wrong person, in the wrong place, for the wrong reason. Throughout the twenties and thirties I was married three times to white men, that were just disastrous relationships. I had also lived with a couple of Hispanic men and a Black Man (African American was not how he referred to himself), none of which remained permanent.
In my forties, the pickings just did not look all that great where I was, (can you say location, location, location?). For this reason I thought I would try expanding my horizons and try the Internet Dating Game. Mind you, when I started on this adventure, I had to overcome the taboo “internet dating is for losers”. Having done that I got started, with a plan:
First I came up with a time frame: 5 years. Second I composed a series of questions to weed out the game players. The series of questions had to evolve as I spent more time talking to guys online, but my rules were pretty strict. Over a period of time, I had a pretty decent system, or so I thought. As fast as I revamped my system, the guys that approached me became craftier. Therefore, a few managed to slip under my radar anyway. The venue really does not matter. Guys talk a lot of smack, it is just definitely much easier to lie on the internet. Now when I say lie, you have to understand that I do not believe in degrees of lying, (i.e. fibs, white lies, exaggerations, little lies, big lies, big fat whopping lies, omissions, etc.), as I believe anything less than the whole truth is a lie. Unfortunately, one of the issues of the “Internet Dating Game” is that many people, not just the guys, think “I can say whatever I want”, “I can be whatever I want”, etc. “because this person is never going to find out”.
The problem with that kind of thinking is, at least when dealing with me: I am a “put up or shut up” kind of person. I would pay the money to go meet them, see them, and see how we connected in person. When meeting someone, in person, the truth always shows and lies are much more difficult to hide. I am positive that this is why, when it came time for many of my first meets, a lot of the guys just did not show up. Being the person that I am, I did not dwell on being stood up for more than an hour, I just found other ways to make the trip not a waste of my time.
One guy did not show up after I spent $80 on a cab to Richmond, VA, (so I would not be late for our date) and paid for two nights at a motel (I was not expecting him to stay with me). When he did not answer the phone or my emails I knew he was not coming, so I went to the Science Museum (one of my favorite things to do). I had a blast, spending the entire day there, and I learned things in the Planetarium and IMAX Theater about one of my favorite subjects, (which is astronomy). The trip and the expense did not go to waste and I had an excellent time. If you are like me, and do not wait for them to come to you, you have to have or make a backup plan to make the trip worthwhile.
Now, in regards to the ones that did show up, so we could meet, that is a whole different ball game. They were still smack talkers, to varying degrees. I really do not know why they thought that they could get their lies past my radar, in person. I just cannot abide lying of any kind. I told them this from the start, and for whatever reason, they thought I either did not mean what I said, or that I would change my mind, or something. It is difficult to delve into the mind of a man and what he is thinking, when things get that far. I am sure there are many men reading this, saying that is also true of the women they have encountered. I know some men and women believe that they are so irresistible that once you have met them we will overlook the fact that they lied. To those who may be reading this article, please understand, when we say we have no tolerance for liars, it means you are wasting your time and ours. No one is that irresistible.
For the most part, the internet dating thing really is not that much different than the clubs, from my own observations and experiences. It is mostly about a hookup for sex. I have to admit, the internet makes a great avenue for it, if that is what you are looking for (no matter what lifestyle you partake in), and I was very surprised at how many women use this venue for just that, not just men. This, of course, makes things a lot harder for the rest of us men and women that are actually looking for a real and serious relationship. It is much like the issue in High School, where because one person is “easy”, the thought is that everyone is.
That brings me to the guys that did get under my radar. One in North Carolina was only trying to show a friend how easy the “Internet Dating Game” was, and he was still into his ex-girlfriend, so he was not quite sure what to do with me when I showed up in his city, but he did still show up. The connection was off, which really should have been my first clue that it was going no where and to leave it alone. You have to remember though, I was going through a learning process. Then too, Libra men are terrible about breaking off a relationship and always find a way to get the women to do it. In that much he was successful.
Then there was the guy in Las Vegas, that I told from the start I was not the right woman for him, and he did not totally believe me. Once I got there, he was really mean about everything. The Libra male thing again. Yeah, well, he committed suicide a couple of years later, so we’ll let that one rest in peace. From that one I learned, I know me better than anyone, and even if someone does not want to believe the truth that I tell them, I have to stick to my guns. I am brutally truthful about myself. My philosophy is this: If you are the right one, you can see who I really am, not be stuck on some things that are aging. Newsflash: when you get older your body ages, too.
Then there was the guy from Brooklyn, NY. Wow, now that was an adventure in patience, that I should never have had, in the first place. But, I did learn some things about myself, and I got to go places and do things that I would not have otherwise, alone, mind you, but I still got to do them. That is always a plus. Having a connection, but things not going anywhere near the way you were told that they would, definitely a clue that it is a relationship that needs to end as soon as the realization is made. Everything after that, that was not right, would not have needed to be gone through at all. This man is the only man on the planet that received more than two chances from me, when it is rare to get more than one from me at all.
Then there was the guy from Shreveport, LA. (Do you see the pattern here?) When you are somewhere, all alone, and no one but God hears you say something, only to Him, and the guy you are interested in uses the exact same phrase, it is really hard not to see it as a sign from God, as an answer to your prayer. With the way I believe in God, I just knew he was the one. I felt a connection, but there were things that came to light, including some smack talking that was found out, plus interference from outside sources. Let me put it this way, I was willing to overlook the smack, because, let’s face it, it is hard for an older man to admit that he has a physical condition that impedes his performance, and I understand this. Since this really was not all of what I was looking for, and I know how to work around it, it was not a deal breaker for me. The outside influences are what did us in, though. The fact that he gave into them, put me in a very precarious position that really shook my faith, all the way down to it is core, to the point where I hit the “on hold” button where God was concerned. (I did not walk away from God, I knew He was there and wanted to talk to me, to listen to me. I just did not want to listen or to talk to Him or anyone. I was more comfortable in a void, a bubble, if you will. The only one allowed in that bubble was my youngest granddaughter who was just a year and a half, at the time.) That lasted about 6 months.
Then there was the National Guard person. Getting me to pay attention to him at all really was not that easy, in the first place. When he first started “coming around”, through the Yahoo dating group that I am the owner of, I was with the character from Brooklyn. Eventually, he got through the radar. He passed all the tests. He had all of the right answers to the series of questions, including (and this should be included in EVERYONE’S list) asking him if he was married, in many different ways, at many different times throughout the relationship. We never argued. Never really fussed at each other about anything. Always got along. Too perfectly. (Yes, you can get along too perfectly in a relationship.) For two years I had the perfect relationship. Well almost.
After waiting for him to come back from Iraq, then waiting for medical decisions to be made, I was at a crossroads. I had to decide if I was going to keep waiting for this man or not. Having waited for over a year for the first meet, I still did not know if we were going to have that in person connection or not. So once again, by my own choice, I paid for a four day train ride from VA to El Paso, TX. I paid for the hotels that I was at for 9 days. My not knowing how that first meet went, probably should have been a clue. Many clues started surfacing, but I dismissed them for one reason or another. Long story short, I continued to wait another eight months. All the deception came to light in one fell swoop. He turned out to be, in fact, very married (maybe even a bigamist), and was cheating on me and his wife (wives?) as well.
I thought about trying it again, bolstered by the fact that I personally know some awesome people that have met there spouses via Internet Dating and are now, in fact, married to awesome people, are very much in love and have growing families. But, I’m hesitant, as now, my health is giving me some issues, and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in the retrospect.
Not everyone is meant to be with someone else. I may be one of those that is not. I know the second that I say I am not meant to be with someone, in the definite sense, some guy is going to come along to tempt me, so I am leaving it at the “may be” stage. For now.
The ironic thing about people who give advice: It always works for everyone else, but rarely works for themselves. I will say this, however, to all of my readers:
Use CAUTION!!!
1-Do not get caught up in FRAUDULENT MONEY SCAMS. If a guy wants you to send him money, or wants to send you money…don’t do it. These scams have different names, but they all amount to the same thing. The guy may be appear to be the best thing to hit the planet since whatever you thought was the best, before he came along. He may say all of the right things. He may be the sexiest thing you ever saw, but if he’s scamming you…you are the one that will have to deal with the federal authorities.
2-Meet in a public place when you have that first meet. I was blessed, for the most part with the ones that I met in private places, but, even still, I should have used more caution.
3-Guys in the military are not exempt from being liars, cheaters and scumbuckets. Make sure you ask the right questions and know the right signs to watch for, unless you are content to be one of his many ports.
4-Always make sure someone knows where you are going, who you are going to be with, and that you have someone to check in with.
5-Do NOT be afraid to ask some tough questions. If the person you are “interviewing” does not like the questions you are asking, I can guarantee you, they are not the right person for you.
6-When the person you are interviewing asks you what you are looking for do not give up too much information but be specific. You want to be specific, but not so specific you lead them with what to say instead of them saying it for themselves from their own heart.
7-An added suggestion: have a back up plan in case he or she stands you up. It will help you not get so hurt and irritated by it.
8-When you can, find someone you trust, to check this person out for you and give you their opinion of their potential or lack thereof. Most of the time, someone on the outside looking in, will see flaws that we cannot see because we are caught up in the moment or in the thick of things. Outside perspective helps to keep you grounded.
A Note from the Author:
Please understand that this is coming from my own experience. I am neither promoting internet dating nor denouncing it either. I am only giving you one person’s personal view and sharing those experiences. You must decide for yourself what works for you, and what does not. Happy Hunting!
Moving onto the next adventure…whatever that may be.
From The Adventures of T Counce 