I have been struggling with myself for a a couple of years now. Blogs screaming at me to be written…and…nothing…I write not one word. I’ve been trying to figure out why I went from prolific blogger to…well nothing…a blog…a mass of nothingness…just taking up space. Introspection is great, but it requires honesty with one’s self. I am for the most part pretty honest with myself, but…I have to face the hard stuff to be honest about it…that I’m not so good at, especially since my disabilities have pretty much taken over my life. Guess what? If I’m really honest with myself…It’s just an excuse.
No, I can’t run anymore, and I can’t walk very far like I use to (1 to 20 miles a day), and I can’t ride a bicycle like I use to (2 to 20 miles a day), and I can’t roller skate like I use to (5 to 7 days a week), and I can’t go for long drives going nowhere for hours on end like I use to, or do the things that I love because I don’t make the money that I use to (living before was hard at about $1700 a month down to just over $800 a month. I’m managing, but it’s not easy.) Most that know me after Dr. Kavorkian (not his real name) got done with his “ok Look, you are…you’re going to die” speech in 2010, I became severely depressed. Then the disabilities made themselves known and caused adjustments that I have had the hardest time with (see what I can’t do anymore at the beginning of this paragraph).
I don’t like depression. It’s an ominous darkness that I just don’t want to explore. I would rather be apathetic than be depressed. I much prefer just being content, though happy most of the time is also perfectly acceptable. So I’ve have been spending hours and hours, days and days, ok, more like months and months on the computer…playing games, watching for people who need prayer, praying for their needs, playing more games, researching things that some people post, finding that I can get addicted to watching YouTube videos rather easily, and playing more games. About this time, every year I get bored with that and feel like I really NEED to do something else. And I do. Crocheting, which for me is pretty mindless (been doing it so long I can do most of it without even looking at it) and cross-stitch which frustrates me when I make a mistake that throws the whole thing off, and this happens a lot which frustrates my OCD to no end. But, in the end, I’m still kinda bored.
So I’ve been looking into things that spark my interest. Writing and anything about writing sparks my interest. My biggest hurdle is trying to get Mrs. Lubin out of my head (10th grade English Teacher). The worst thing that a teacher can tell any student is “You will never be able to…..” whatever it is that you aspire to do. I’m tired of my life’s aspirations falling by the wayside and writing is the only one that I have the power and control to pick up, dust off and get it going again. (It’s too late to go to Veterinarian School, I’ve given up on a long happy marriage because I’m too difficult to get use to, building a bookkeeping business, driving all over the country.)
I didn’t realize until I just finished reading Wil Wheaton’s blog, that I had in part found the right path. I’m reading more, (one of the 7 things he did to reboot his life). I’ve been following Mr. Wheaton for a very long time. One thing that I didn’t know was that he suffered from depression. I love what he’s doing about it though. I get depressed at times, but I don’t suffer from depression, for which I am very thankful. Between a conversation I was having with my roommate last night and reading Mr. Wheaton’s blog I realized something. I’ve been holding myself back. Sure I would love to write a best selling novel, but that is not what I aspire to write. I’m not interested in getting rich off of other people’s hard earned money. I’m not materialistic so that is easier for me than it might be for other people. It would be nice to make some money writing though, eventually. So I keep reading what I can to help me achieve that goal. But that isn’t the only reason I’m writing this particular blog.
Mr. Wheaton’s post got me to thinking about all of the people that I know. Many not happy with their life as it is. Stuck on the merry-go-round of life, wanting to change it, but not knowing how. I think he has an excellent plan and it might work for others so I wanted to use my blog to help share his message so that maybe it will help someone else. It’s raw, it’s introspective, it’s honest. Give it a read and see if you can’t figure out a way to reboot your own life and getting it going in the direction that you really want it to go.
From The Adventures of T Counce 